Bird to Reaper

Relapsing with addiction is inevitable, or so we are told. When I was told this in addiction, it was purely an excuse to relapse. Well, if the experts say it will happen, it will eventually. May as well drink now. Already having multiple hospital detoxes accumulating from alcohol related injuries, completing four onsite alcohol rehabilitations, currently overtaking six bottles of 13% white wine, per day, it was now down to little ole me.

The word on the street, more the word amongst those constantly punching the devil off their shoulder, is that each withdrawal is more magnificent than the last. Its the most painful, slow and lonely death. According to the experts, this "cold Turkey" method, especially alone, is not recommended. I had no choice. I had been in bed for, what I think was four days, being too weak to stand. I had to "Do or die". 

I was about to enter my personal hell. Losing my mind. I don't know what outcome I expected? I had prayed to die, every day, since the life changing accident that imploded my already, failing soul. 

Intrusive thoughts of family being horrifically hurt were already living rent free in my mind, under a veil of medication. Previously watching programmes and hearing of horrific withdrawals, I had always been quite "smug". Thinking its "mind over matter". Oh, it definitely is, but I had no control whatsoever over the chilling journey. What did I expect "Mary Poppins!". "Don't be anything scary, don't be anything scary!"

The heat was stifling, my thin body sweating like a carcass in the desert. My body convulsed and jerked uncontrollably. Facing towards the window, unable to move as the pain pierced my skull, my eyes involuntarily darting around in fear. I could feel it coming. My eyes jerked toward the window sill and everything slowed down. Something dark, something bad had entered my bedroom window and was hiding in the shadows, watching me.  My forearms began to itch, small movements began under my skin, moving upwards. I started to scratch and millions of spiders raced towards my face.  What have I released?..